we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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