There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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