Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
