There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize