my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
