i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
