it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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