Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
