oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
tell me about the fingering
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