I wish I could teleport
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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