Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize