420 ftw
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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