I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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