a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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