I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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