I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
