apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
