I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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