I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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