Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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