on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
When are your genitals available?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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