shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
