Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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