I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I think my moral compass just broke
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize