whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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