I will die if light touches me.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
