Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
