I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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