I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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