i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
