dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Vodka?
Forever.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
