I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
