I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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