I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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