I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Randomize
