i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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