I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
