I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
