you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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