I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
