I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
