woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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