help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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