How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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