God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Damn victory sex feels great
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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