Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
