So drunk its hurt
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
