She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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