How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
