I'm lost and stupid without you.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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