Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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