We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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