its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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