Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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