well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
