my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
