I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Can you bring me the toilet please
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
