had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
