I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
