Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
