One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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