Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
