Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize