Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize